At the End of Our Rainbow... There is a Pot of Gold

Baby Bow felt different from the very beginning. Everyone told me that all babies and pregnancies feel different. The truth was I didn't feel pregnant. My breasts weren't sore and I had no symptoms. It was hard not to compare this pregnancy with Bella's. She felt so bright, so light. As soon as we conceived I knew. With Bow I didn't. The tests said yes but I had to take another test to be sure.

I thought maybe it was me, maybe I was jaded. Maybe I wasn't ready, maybe my heart couldn't feel him. Still I knew that I was technically pregnant and we were over the moon about it. His heartbeat was strong and we were having a baby. We were so excited for our baby. Still something was different. I thought it was a boy because I had a dream he was. I dreamed he had 6 fingers. I knew in my dreams. Something was different.

I looked at my beliefs about being pregnant again and used the Avatar tools. I explored my feelings. I wanted to feel as connected as I could and as healthy as possible. I do acupuncture every week. I am reading Mothering from the Center which has pelvic meditations for unblocking emotional blocks and healing from baby loss. I worked on connecting and healing. I've been practicing Qi Gong for healing and nurturing the female form, Nourishing Woman. I am doing chiropractic healing as well. I wanted to be sure that I would connect and provide Bow with the best life a mother could provide. I have been exercising like crazy, doing Zumba, yoga and walking. I found a Naturopath that provided me with liver support to prevent cholestasis.

I was so relieved and excited for our potential in spite of my still not connecting with Bow, I assumed it was his personality. I would feel into my womb and didn't feel his light. I would often feel him in my heart. This made sense. Feeling my baby in my heart. I started looking into star signs. Bella's sign was Capricorn, I read that these babies are angelic. Perfect! I read in to Scorpio which if Bow was born a few days earlier than expected, he would have been. Scorpio babies can have a hidden, darker energy, again making sense. This baby is a Scorpio. Now I don't put a lot of stock into star signs but I was looking for an explanation of why this baby felt so different. This brought some relief to my worries.

Last Thursday we had our 12 week check up. We start all of our appointments with an ultrasound. We were so excited, the heartbeat is our favorite thing about our appointments! I was a little worried since I had a little spotting even though my two sisters who have had two pregnancies each told me that light spotting can be normal. My doctor, the fetal medicine specialist, agreed. The Ultrasound Tec brought the baby up on the screen, Bow was so cute! Little arms and legs. I will never forget these words, "no heartbeat." Of course we asked her to check again. No heartbeat. Somehow I must have known from the very beginning.

How do I recover from this? Losing 2 babies in 4 months, jeez! How do I tell this story? Bow was gone and my body hadn't accepted it yet. I had questions, what do we do now. How do you have a planned miscarriage? 3 options: Wait until your body figures it out and miscarries, take medication to put you in labor and wait, or have a D&C procedure where they take the baby out. My doctor said that he would do the D&C if he were me. He said that waiting to go into labor naturally and having the baby would be like kicking me while I was down. You can never know when it will happen so you have to wait and it is excruciating.

All I could think of was to get the baby out.

When Bella passed, I was so grateful to have had her live and had not had to have her die inside. This was what I would have never wanted to experience. Knowing little lifeless Bow was and had been inside of me. So much death. I decided to have the procedure to avoid the pain and surprise of labor. We scheduled it for Saturday.

Saturday morning 2 hours before we had to be at the hospital, I went into labor. It was quick and painful, lasting about an hour. I  gave birth to baby Bow at 5:30 am. We were able to have a spiritual experience and honor his birth. He had once had a heartbeat. He had little fingers and toes. He was a little sweetie about 2 inches long. I believe he had a spirit, I felt it in my heart. It was difficult and heartbreaking but I am glad to have avoided an invasive procedure that could have devastating side effects. He is our little rainbow and we hope for another. So much rain this year, so much heartbreak.

Once again, my ability to handle life was being tested. Lessons of letting go. Letting go of attachment. Allowing our children to have their own life. Is this preparing us for the future? A profound yes. Can I survive this? Some people have it worse. Some people have this happen 6 or 12 times in a row. These are the words people use to comfort me. Is this my life? Can I create life and sustain it? Is this really happening?

So here we are, 2 babies and still no babies. How do we continue, how do we tell this story? We honor Bow and we honor Bella. We now have 2 older siblings for our next baby, and yes, we keep on keepin' on. We are approved to get pregnant as soon as I heal. We will wait until we have more answers. Even though the odds are 1 in 5, this happens for a reason, physical and spiritual. I am seeing my Naturopath who is helping us find answers so we can be successful. We will align with a being that wants to stay and be raised by us. A being that wants to live on this earth and have an earthly family. We continue to practice allowing and accepting how our children live their lives. We love having our spirit children. Each day we honor our beautiful children.

When I looked at Vince and said, "this is horrible," he reminded me that this is a great spiritual lesson. We are grateful to be alive and well and we are grateful for these spiritual lessons. We love our children. This makes it wonderful. I move forward fearlessly holding my children in my heart. My children are my Gold and we will have our rainbow baby someday.