The Worst Best Day of My Life Part II- Grab a Tissue

My husband Vince will tell you what happened next. Since I was under anesthesia I have no clue. Here's some snipits from Bella's journal that he wrote:

"I looked to my right and I saw you for the first time. You were on a table with 4 or 5 nurses and doctors. They were resuscitating. Or trying rather. I remember looking at your skin and it was a pale yellow color. They were giving you shots and trying to get your heart rate up. You never moved once. Your eyes were closed, your hands up next to your head. I kept intending for you to cry. That's all I wanted to hear. Just a cry, a whimper, any movement at all. I said Ho'oponopono and said, 'I love you, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.' After some time the Doctor came over to me to explain what was happening. I pretty much knew what was happening since it had been a while and you showed no sign of progress. I was asked by the Doctor if I wanted to come close to you and I said, 'Okay.' I was able to touch your hand and feel you for the first time. I got to see you up close. I will never forget that moment. One nurse was pumping your heart and another one was breathing for you. Other things were happening but it is sort of a blur at the moment. I then see the Doctor give the signal to stop resuscitating and that was it. You were freshly born on a table and that was also your last moment on this earth. You lived from 11:50 to 12:20, January 17th, 2014. After they called it they asked me if I wanted to hold you. I said, 'yes.' It was a weird feeling holding you after you had just passed. I cried and had a nurse take a picture of our first time together." - Vince Leone, Wonderful daddy and the perfect husband

Shortly after, I woke up. I remember opening my eyes and the clouds parted as the anesthesia wore off. I could hear people talking and strange noises. There was a beautiful nurse next to me. All I could say was where is my baby, where is my baby? She answered with, "your baby didn't make it." I couldn't believe it. I am pretty sure I asked again, it couldn't be true, I didn't want to believe it. She was so fine and strong that morning. What had happened? I asked for her and the nurse went into the next room where Vince was holding her. He brought her in and handed her to me. She was wrapped in a hospital blanket and pink hat. I was so confused at why she looked like that. If she was gone why was she all dressed up?

I held her and started to peel the garments off of her. I just wanted to hold her body next to my body. Skin to skin. It's the best thing for newborns. It was what I had dreamed of doing months and months before. Still sitting in my own blood from the surgery, I held her lifeless body next to mine. She was still warm. I pulled her away and looked at her noticing each wrinkle and curve. She was beautiful, simply beautiful.

Shortly after I realized that people were waiting to see our baby, here to welcome her into this world.  Two of my sisters that live nearby came in and cried with us.

The next few days were a whirlwind. We were given a room in the "labor and delivery" part of the hospital, a nice room in the corner. I assume it was so we weren't around all the mama's and newborns. They called in a beautiful photographer that came and did beautiful newborn photos of us and her. There was a nurse that did castings of her hands feet and even her face. What a precious gift! Vince stayed with me 24 hours a day. We even slept in the same small hospital bed. We couldn't imagine being a few feet apart. At night we spooned on the small bed as it was the only way for my postpardum body and his broad shoulders could fit. The first night we watched Make the Best of What Happens Next a talk by Harry Palmer. It made us laugh. We couldn't do one thing about the past, but we had everything to do with the future. We decided that night that we wouldn't be mad or overly sad, that we would honor our daughters life, feel gratitude for our short time together. It was the last thing that we wanted, but her life was perfect for her. It wasn't about us, it was her legacy that we would carry and we were going to respect her decision.

In spite of being flu season, the hospital overlooked the rule of no more than two visitors at a time. We had tons! Parents and siblings flew in from Hawaii and Michigan. Friends and strangers came to give love and blessings. The hospital nurses were a breath of fresh air. It felt like being in a snow globe of love. We kept Bella with us all day and put her "away" at night. For 3.5 have days we felt held and loved. We cherished each moment with her small perfect body. I painted her nails. I dressed her in her "going home outfit". Visitors and family held her an admired her. We weighed and measured her just as we would have if she lived. 5 lbs 10 oz, 18 1/2 inches. For being a month early she was very well developed. She was perfect.

The next day we decided to name her. We had a short list of names we liked that we would decide on after we met her. We decided on all of them. Bella was the "womb" named we called her that would serve until we had birthed. Since that was what we knew her as that was to be her first name. Bella Francesca Iris Nanette Leone. A big and bright soul with a big and bright name. She was given a birth and death certificate and later would even receive a social security card. Such a big girl. :)

The second day in the hospital my milk started to come in. I asked for cabbage leaves and a sports bra to try and stop it. I felt so sad that I couldn't breastfeed. My body was still expecting the baby. The hospital lactation specialist came in to see how I was doing. She offered the perspective that I could pump and donate if I wanted to. Talk about making the best of what happened next! I could take this gift of precious milk and give it to a milk bank that would later be sent back to the hospital for babies in the NICU in need of milk in place of formula. She also suggested that I take my colostrum, aka "liquid gold" and keep it in a deep freeze until I had another child to give it to. A gift from big sister Bella. We did. I donated about 100 oz in the first two weeks and we have tons of colostrum for our next baby.

Bella was visited by Paegens, Mormons, Catholics, Agnostic, Christians, Atheists and I'm sure others. We were in awe. It was an interesting to feel how broad a spectrum of people that she attracted. It was a beautiful feeling. All kinds of people coming together in love. She was blessed by many as well.

Since our families were in town we decided to have her memorial service that following Wednesday. We also had decisions to make. Should we have an autopsy? Should we bury or cremate? Our family and friends rallied around to help us through this time. Our night nurse who happened to be named Iris, found a funeral home that would do her cremation for free. They didn't charge for babies. The flowers were taken care of. All we had to do is decide when where and how. We decided to have her cremated since an open casket wasn't recommended. We had the service in the hospital chapel. It was beautiful! I'm not even sure how people got invited but they came and supported us. It was wonderful. Everything was perfect, the hospital even had a harpist.

We chose to have an autopsy done to see if there was anything we could do differently for the future. About 8 weeks after, we got the autopsy back and found that she was perfect, absolutely perfect. Her body was fully developed and complete. She had lost blood flow at some point in the labor process which was her oxygen supply. Even with that the specialist said that she should have responded to resuscitation. They really don't know why they couldn't save her. Because they caught her when she went in to cardiac arrest she should have responded. She wasn't meant to stay. This was her path, this is her story. Her life was perfect for her. She is our spirit daughter and we are so proud of her.