The Beginning of Her Light

It all started with a light. A light we all share. My light, your light, her light. We all have it. But this is about her light. This is about my journey through motherhood. How I dreamed the reality of where I had to let go. Let go of my dreams, let go of my fixed definitions. Definitions of motherhood, life, creation, free agency. Most importantly it's about what I believe about myself and what I discovered about how I create. I write this hoping to inspire anyone and everyone. There is not one message, there are many meanings. The meanings are yours to interpret and some of the story might be just that, a story. This is my story. I choose to tell a great one! I choose to celebrate and honor my daughter.

There are no words to describe feelings and the irony of this blog is suddenly hilarious. And so I write, write of the joy and the pain and the sorrow as much as I can. It might touch you, it might bore you. Still I write.

Let me go back to before her light.

We were ready to have kids and we were so excited. My darling niece Olive inspired both my husband and I to move forward into parenthood. Her light and love is so inspiring. I started researching water birth centers at the end of April. I wanted to have a natural out of hospital birth in water!! I was so excited. We had set our intention and we were ready to go. I had been doing the Healthy Weigh weight loss challenge and had lost almost 50 pounds and I felt great. I had cleansed my body of toxins and chemicals. I started taking prenatal vitamins. I had fun thinking of helpful things I could eat and drink for pregnancy. I drank kale smoothies almost every day. I used the Avatar tools to help me work through my limitations about pregnancy and motherhood. I was hooked! I loved this whole world of love!

My niece Olive and me when I was newly pregnant at Summer Solstice.

I found the Andaluz Waterbirth Center website while searching for birthing centers and instantly fell in love. It looked like a magical home- like setting in Portland where we could birth a child with all of our personal preferences as if we were at home. I had started researching different things I’d heard about parenting, pregnancy and birth such as delayed cord clamping and placenta encapsulation. I wanted to have the best experience for us. These were things I had never heard of and they sounded amazing. Thanks to Google I now know many new things.

In May we went to the open house at Andaluz Waterbirth Center and met Carrie and Tracy. It was love at first sight. We had never felt more at home there. We were so excited!

This was the week I would be ovulating and we were going to “try” to get pregnant. Oh who am I kidding.  We weren't trying anything. We were going to do it! And we did it, every 24 hours. My poor hubby.

Many days later I could feel it when the egg implanted. Seriously, I did. It was a little pinch inside me.  Things soon felt different. It was like I wasn't alone any more. She was with me. It was her light. I could feel it on the right middle of my abdomen when I put my awareness on it. It was cool because later I found out from the ultrasound that I was right, she had implanted on the right side. Everyone thought I was weird but I could feel everything about her. I felt her so close all through the pregnancy. I could feel her all around me.

I felt weird knowing these things since I had not been pregnant before. It was what I felt. She felt new. New to me anyway, The next week I was off to an Avatar course to work in consciousness. It is called integrity. I worked clearing space, removing baggage and limitations in my mind. While I was there I felt her, I just knew. I knew and I couldn't wait to tell Vince. I felt different, still me, but different. I took a bath one night and sang her a song.  Little one, little one… It was Her song.

Later I went home, Vince picked me up from the airport and we went to the store to get a pregnancy test...