Description

How I turned lead into gold.
This blog is a personal account of my journey into motherhood. It about my daughters Bella's life and how I handled her death. As well as my personal healing from grief and my journey forward into my next pregnancy.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

The Best Worst Day of My Life Part I

My pregnancy was perfect. It was.
It all started to change... still I never stopped believing. I knew this baby had a purpose. I knew she wanted to be here. He light was so strong.

I made a paper chain countdown for each week. We would tear one off and write in her journal. Just like Christmas!
It had started that day in early January. Our midwife had noticed that I was itching in our appointment and asked me about it. I had just begun feeling slightly itchy but I was pregnant, my skin was stretching. My mother itched during her pregnancies. It seemed minor. She suggested the LFT (liver function test) test. She said that I could have something called cholestasis of pregnancy. According to The Mayo Clinic: The term "cholestasis" refers to any condition in which the flow of bile, a digestive fluid from the liver, slows or stops. Pregnancy is one of many possible causes of cholestasis. Other names for cholestasis of pregnancy include obstetric cholestasis and intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy.Cholestasis of pregnancy occurs in late pregnancy and triggers intense itching, usually on the hands and feet but sometimes on other parts of the body. Cholestasis of pregnancy can be intensely uncomfortable but poses no long-term risk to the mother. Cholestasis of pregnancy can be dangerous for a developing baby, however. Early delivery is usually recommended. This condition occurs in 1% of pregnant women, usually women of Chilean descent. Many women have full term healthy pregnancies. The worst case scenario death. It truly never occurred to me that it was a possibility. I knew she was going to stay. We had a purpose.

We all thought nothing of it. A little itching? There was no way that we weren't having a healthy pink baby. We immediately declined the test. We, including the midwife, thought was probably nothing considering all the other factors of how healthy I was. I had no other side affects, simply a couple of itches. We had no doubts we felt calm and assured. After a few days had passed I decided that it wouldn't hurt to eliminate the possibility. I went in to get tested on Jan 9th. It took 5 days to get one of the tests back. We found out on January 14th that I indeed had Cholestasis of pregnancy. Weird. I felt so healthy. I knew I was so healthy. I had always felt her so strong, I knew she was just fine.

This diagnosis didn't make sense and I never felt worried that anything would happen. I continued to feel great. I never felt sick. I barely itched. I was never uncomfortable. We were going to do this and do it well.

I called the specialist on the 14th and made an appointment. They didn't seem worried, they made the appt. for a couple days out with no real concern at the mention of Cholestasis. No one felt rushed. I went in two days later to see Dr. Coleman. We did a non stress test to see how she was doing. She was strong and healthy and passed with flying colors. No one felt worried. They do like to deliver early with this condition and she wasn't due until February 14th! Dr. Coleman wanted to induce you and he agreed we could do it via acupuncture. He said to go ahead a try it and call the office the next day cautioning that it doesn't always work. We went to my acupuncturist that I saw regularly to initiate the labor. The acupuncture worked! The next morning we had started labor. I called the office to update them and the nurse suggested to come in to see how far I had dilated. She suggested to pack a bag in case they wanted to admit us for delivery. Good idea! We packed the bag. All I wanted to do was take a bath or sit on the toilet. Labor was a trip! It was weird. I could feel her moving and kicking. She felt well. We never feared or worried, we were excited! She was coming, our little ball of light and love was coming!



We went into the Doctors office and they hooked us up to the monitor to check and see how we were doing. I was dilated to a 1, progress!. Her heart rate was strong but it wasn't fluctuating. It stayed the same and they said it should vary a little. It was around 150 and holding. Without too much concern, we grabbed some oxygen and moved out of the office over to triage to decide on the next course of action. We were in the labor and delivery center and I was asking for a water birth. They said we would have to wait and see. As soon as we entered Triage her heart rate dropped from 150 to 60. We all watched the monitor, nothing changed. I kept talking to her, "come on baby girl come on. You can do it. Get your heart rate up" They had me get on all fours, move around, maybe it was just her position. After just a few moments, we was suddenly surrounded by about 5 nurses. One wheeling the bed, 1 or 2 peeling my clothes off, another was holding the fetal monitor. They were wheeling us into surgery. Within a minute I had a surgeon looking down at me explaining that I was about to have an emergency C-section. At first I said no, we are not. I didn't want this to be my story. I realized this was what was happening and told him to save her, just save my baby. I could feel them prepping my tummy. It was time for her to come. They put the mask over my nose and mouth and told me to breathe. The clouds came in and I was out. The anesthesia worked it's magic fast. To give you a reference point, I was sent to triage and put under within 3 or 4 minutes. An emergency C- section was happening.

Vince was still in triage changing into scrubs, telling whoever would listen to save my placenta and delay the cord clamping. What a love. He watched from the next room with the hospital Chaplin.

Good Grief!

I believe that grief is a very under rated and misunderstood or just not understood topic in our society. There seems to be no reference point for it. Were don't talk about it and when it happens we separate ourselves or feel uncomfortable.

I hadn't realized that grief was part of my every day life until now. I have experienced more grief following the death of my daughter Bella than I could have imagined. 10 years ago today I lost one of loves of my life. That was grief. Bella is also the love of my life. Losing your child? Holy grief! It feels different that any other grief I have felt.

There are other kinds of grief that I started to notice. I've started to see others grief. Every day people, everywhere. Now just like I said in my blog about "your story", it's a choice even for what grief story you tell. When I am feeling low, I tell a totally different story when I'm having a "great day story." I love telling the happy story.

There's the grief we hold for old people. The kind where we know they have lived a good life but we are sure gonna miss them. There's the kind where you feel sad that your lover is really gone this time.

Then there's the kind of grief that we don't really notice, that's the kind that really tugs at you gently without much pain. There's the kind a mother has to leave her baby for the first time.
I feel grief when I run out of kale. Seriously.

I rarely acknowledge that this life is full of grief and it never occurred to me that it could be a positive thing.

Some say that somehow, we are mourning our past decisions, our old experiences, whether we know it or not.

There's the kind I felt when I woke up from anesthesia to a beautiful nurse telling me that my baby didn't make it. I felt it. But it didn't last. We had to feel love. That is what Bella was about, it is her essence. That is what life is about. Love can heal. Grief can feel healing. I choose to embrace it.

I feel sad when I think about the good ol' days when life was different. I can feel how I have lost some friendships but somehow I can love and appreciate the times we shared and feel the love that I am sharing right now. I feel good about that too. There is a time and a season. I could also see how the good ol' days were awesome and there will never again be that time with the exact same circumstances. An old college professor of mine called it an "Island in Time." These unique moments in time and space. How cool is that? How cool is it that each moments in life is unique and we all remember different things and have different recollection or memory. Even that word recollect suggests that we re-collect experiences and we can share them.

Grief is all around us. Since it is often part of our every day lives, let's embrace it. Grief can be comfortable. We can feel it and let it go. We can feel it and flow it into love.
I am newly realizing and experiencing this interesting simple concept. When I feel the grief swelling, I look for love. I can love grief.

I'm not suggesting that we should all declare that life sucks or be a "Debbie downer". I'm suggesting that there may be an option to acknowledge that we can have grief all around us and it may be part of our daily lives. It's familiar, and it's sometimes good! From a peaceful perspective we can take time to appreciate change and loss. I appreciated every kick, every hiccup while I was pregnant and I still do. You had something you once thought was great, something that meant something to you, cherish it, honor it. Maybe that's what our memory is for. You can have the memory you choose. You can keep telling yourself grief stories or you can tell yourself love stories.

This life was meant to be cherished. We can love loss, we can appreciate loss. Grief can be good! It helps us grow, it can make us stronger. Breathe each breath like it's your favorite breath. Feel each heartbeat like you have heard it for the first time.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Bella's Journal June, July and August

Here are some great entries to continue our story. I decided to edit some of these since grammar and spelling are not a quality we will pass on to our kids. I picked just a few to share. Enjoy!


June 30, 2013

Hey little buddy!

Today is one of the hottest days ever! Mama is hot! You are 7 weeks old and 3 days. You are the size of a blueberry! You are growing so fast! You are also growing hands and feet. Your pancreas and kidneys are developing and your brain. We are so excited to meet you. We are going to hear your heartbeat soon! We are getting things ready for you. Tons of cloth diapers, a brand new organic mattress, bottles, and lots of books to read. We are reading about attachment parenting where we wear you in a sling and sleep with you. It's supposed to make you smarter more confident, trusting, empathetic, and strong. They tell us to be more attentive to your needs, to be there no matter what. To listen to you, so you will in return, listen to us. You will trust yourself and your family.
For now we are learning. I am eating healthy, lot's of protein and vitamins, working on being more primary. Every day we ponder you and set an intention. We intend every day that you are healthy and strong, growing fast and that we stay in high modes to send you lots of love and positive energy. We love to talk about what your name will be and what you will be like. We wonder what it's like in there, being so small. We are so happy you are coming we can't hardly wait.

We love you,
love, your mama

                                                                                             
July 7, 2013

Hey there little person,

Today you are 8 weeks and 3 days, You are the size of a kidney bean, Today we planted new plants and flowers in the yard and papa cleaned up the yard and mowed the lawn. We had our good friends over Tai and Tyler. Tai is pregnant with Wesley. You will grow up together and be friends. She is due to have her baby 6 months before you come. We are soooo excited!! Papa bought you a neat chair for you to sit in. It hooks onto the table so we can all sit together. Mama's been really tired. Papa's been taking really good care of me. He is very kind and supportive and very sweet. I hope you are like him. Your daddy opens the door for me an gets we water when I need it. I've never felt so pampered. You have a really good papa. Thank you so much for choosing us. You are very special to us. We are excited to have a family and teach you all about being a source being. You can create anything! We want to show you how magical this world is and how wonderful you can create it to be.
I went and bought some really cool diaper covers from a really nice lady who makes them in Portland. We try to buy things as locally as possible. I've been eating lots of yummy foods for you. Smoothies, fruits veggies and lots of water. In two weeks we will have our first doctors appointment. Everything is so exciting. We love you so much! Talk to you soon! Mama Loves You!

Love Mama


August 18, 2013

Ciao Baby!

Today is your Mama and Papa's 1 year anniversary. We are on our way to Breitenbush Hot Springs. It's a beautiful community where you can camp do yoga and dip in the hot springs. They even have a meditative labyrinth. Organic vegetarian meals are served and we are going to camp there, Your 1st camping trip! I am feeling very good. I am feeding us well. I can feel you growing inside me. My organs are moving inside me to make room for you. I am so excited about your new room. Everything is coming together, I know you'll like it. I am enjoying all the precious moments with you. I love you.

Love, Your Mama



Thursday, April 3, 2014

I didn't have the birth I had planned and it was perfect.

I often read and hear about mothers who have c- sections instead of their planned natural birth and vaginal birth. I know it's a sensitive subject so I will tread lightly. I intended to share my perspective about these things because that was my intention before I was pregnant.

I understand the disappointment. I do.
Not only did I have a C- section instead of a natural water birth but my daughter also died. I get the right to complain and moan all I want right? It's funny, I don't want to. I felt the disappointment and anger and I moved on very quickly.

My perspective is "stop"! Stop feeling hurt, betrayed, cheated, or tricked into the wrong birth. Don't hold onto it. Feel it and move on. That's what I do every day.
If you have a child stop for a moment and take all that energy and effort and put love in it's place and send it to your child. You have a child, you are a parent.
I would have let the surgeons amputate my legs if only I could have a living child. But that's not our story.

Feel gratitude for the people who gave you a child and got you both safely in a recovery room.
Feel peace that you have a child. Even if they have passed, you can have them in your heart.
Feel LOVE.

Even without my child I still feel love. I feel love for every person that helped cut me open and get my baby out even though she died. I feel love for the doctors, that tried longer than they were supposed to, to save my baby. It's hard to feel anger when you feel love. Kinda impossible.
I understand that my daughter had as much to do with her birth as I did. It's our story. I honor her and I feel love for her.

It was perfect because it's our story, it's her life and it's perfect for her. It's not always about how we do things, it's what we do.

Remember that it's not just about us mother's anymore, it's about our children. What kind of example are we? Even though my daughter's body didn't live, I want to live as the best parent I can be.




Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Our Birthing Intention

Before our pregnancy we set an intention. According to Webster's dictionary an intention is "the thing that you plan to do or achieve : an aim or purpose."


Vince and I sat together and visualized and imagined our future family. We talked about how we wanted our pregnancy to feel, look, and grow. We used the Avatar tools to deliberately create our pregnancy. We explored our purpose for having a child. You may be surprised that aside from my emergency C- Section all of our intentions created.

We wanted to have our birth story inspire people. We wanted her to change the world. We wanted to change the world together. We have.
This story looks a little different than we imagined, but it still feels the same. We have experienced such grace telling our story and what we have learned from it and from Bella. She has taught us all so much. People's lives have changed. There is a laundry list somewhere of all the people that our story has touched. Marriages have been saved, people have been lifted. Families have come together. People are feeling! Hearts have been inspired to change for the better, to live better. The ripple affect is inconceivable. Needless to say we are proud parents. Our intention has created and we continue to find proof of our intention daily.

Stay tuned for our full birth story and more to come!
My husband, Bella and I at 16 weeks.

What Story do you Choose?


Your story, my story, Everybody has one. What is that story that we tell ourselves every day? It's the "I can do", or "I'm not that good at...", it's a game we play everyday. It's the definitions that we identify with. "I am a mother." I am a daughter." "I work at..." I like to.." We all choose one way or another the story we tell ourselves and others. When I could chose to tell people that I come from a family of 7, I could also identify with being the the second oldest, or a newlywed or a new mom. We could choose other things to tell, other truths, other viewpoints because we have our own individual perspective. No matter what, it is my responsibility for what I say right? I choose. Yes, I choose what story I am going to tell. I choose the words that are coming out of my mouth. It's a choice. I choose my truth. I choose my story.

I choose to tell my story from my heart. I know what is in my heart. I know my heart is filled with love. I know that I get to choose what pieces I portray what visual I paint. I know that even though my ego, my mother identity, can't believe that I failed at having a live child in my heart I know it is divine, it's meant to be. It's her story. I could tell you about how sad I am how much grief I feel. I'm done with that story. If I am the one telling the story, I want it to be a good one.

I am a proud mother. That was our intention in having her, to share love and light. I know in my heart that I have succeeded in having a daughter that is beautiful, that has moved on from this physical existence because she didn't need her body anymore. I succeed in having a wonderful time pampering this child in the womb, loving someone so beautiful and mysterious that grew inside my body. I have the privilege of telling Bella's story not just mine.

The past is gone, I can remember and commemorate it any way I want.  A talk by Harry Palmer called Impressions inspired me to tell my story the way that I have.
I tell our story to give my daughter the opportunity to let the world know how awesome she is. How magical her life was. To honor her. This is our story. I am mindful of that when I talk about her.

Tell your story from your heart. Look at your past with your heart and tell your story from that space. Do it for the people you love. Do it for yourself.




First Heartbeats and Kicks

This next one is cute. Our first midwife appointment. Because we chose this birthing center we were able to have all of our prenatal care with Andaluz. We were assigned 3 midwives so we always had a fresh face to welcome us into the home-like setting. We had all of our visits in  rooms that looked like gorgeous, dreamy bedrooms. Vince came to every one of my visits. We spent an hour each time checking in with the midwife while sitting on the bed feeling totally relaxed. What love! The first time we even went to a doctors office was was that next January. Vince and I go back and forth writing, so sweet.


July 22, 2013
A: Hey Little Buddy!
V: Today we heard your heartbeat for the first time! It was amazing!
A: We are soooooo! excited. It was so beautiful! (We both cried a little.) Our first appt. was amazing. Our midwife Carrie was/ is wonderful. The birthing center we chose is so cool. Everyone is so relaxed and happy. Their whole philosophy is that I was made to create and birth you and you were made to be born. Together we will have a great time getting you into this world.
V: Right now you are the size of a lime. You have all your fingers and toes. Today I also found out where you are in mommies tummy so I can talk right to you. It was a great day. I loved hearing your heartbeat, it made everything official. You sounded healthy and nurtured. Mommy is taking great care of you. She is making sure you are well fed and getting good exercise.
A: I am! You are growing very well and we are doing everything right! We love you and are so excited to meet you! We love you little Leone.

Love, Mama and Papa



I love this next one because I remember what it felt like being out on a warm summer day with rain and dark skies all around. A storm was reported to come in from the north. The dirt was turning to mud. Everything felt so surreal. I walked away with tons of big organic blackberries and mud, rain, and berry juice all over me.

Aug 10, 2013

Hey Hey Little Cookie!

Today Mama took you blackberry picking at your great Aunt Jackie's house. I went there to pick in the middle of August and it started raining! I picked blackberries for about an hour and a half with you in my tummy and rain all over! It was so much fun! I wonder what it felt like for you swimming in my belly. I also spent a lot of the day getting ready for a garage sale we are going to have next week. I started clearing the 3 bedroom for you. I have lot's of baby clothes, mostly for a girl, wondering if you are. We are going to find out in 7 weeks when we see you! I Love you little one. You are so special.
Love, Yo Mama

Not dated

Hi Love!
Sept 9th 2013 was the first day that I felt you. I was lying in bed when I was in Hawaii falling asleep when I felt you little body moving, kicking, fluttering. It was the best day of my life so far. So wonderful, so magical. The next morning there you were again swimming around. I called your papa and told him all about it. Your aunt Racheal and GG got to feel you, also your Nana. Everyday I spend lots of time talking to you feeling you putting my awareness on you. You are my favorite thing to do, grow you, feel you, dream of you.

This was taken the day I felt her first kicks.